I'm Too Sexy
by kiwi the almighty
Summary: Prof. Snape turns hot! Whaaat? So what's this newly hot proffessor gonna do? Use his charms of course! To try and get the title as DADA teacher and to melt the hearts of Hogwart's girls. Draco, Harry, looks like you have some competition!
1. Hermione's Pov

**A/n: Snape turns sexy! A lighthearted fic. Whoohoo! This story is gonna be based on different people's pov. Enjoy :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. So don't sue!**

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Hermione's Pov

" Harry will you stop it!" Hermione argued as Harry, Ron and her were faced with another fight with the notorious Draco Malfoy and his cronies.

" Aww…sticking up for me now Mudblood? I knew that you couldn't resist my charms" came the silky voice from Draco.

" Shut up ferret. I for one am not sticking up for you. I don't want another fight before we reach Hogwarts. I'm Head Girl now and I don't want anyone, got that, anyone taking this badge AWAY from me, got that?" she hissed as she glared at Draco.

He glared back at her.

" Whatever you say Mudblood but we all know that you secretly fancy me" he replied using his trademark smirk.

Hermione blushed a deep crimson red. She didn't fancy him. No! No way! He was mean, evil and the enemies of her two best friends. But she couldn't deny that Draco had in fact grown into a handsome young guy this year. His blonde hair was longer and no longer gelled back as it used to be. He was taller and had grown leaner. She was pretty sure that beneath his robes his body would be muscular. Hermione shivered in delight with just the thought.

Draco snickered and brought Hermione out of her daydream.

" I knew it." He said, " You think I'm hot don't you Granger. Come on, no girl in our year can resist me" he mused in a silky voice.

" Shut up Malfoy. I don't think you're hot at all! Infact, I think the complete opposite. You're ugly and disgusting."

Draco rolled his eyes. " Whatever Mudblood but we all know that you like me"

Hermione grew hot in the face. She really felt like hexing this ferret into oblivion but restrained from the urge. She didn't want to loose her title as Head Girl.

" Back off from Hermione!" Ron shouted defensively.

" Aww..Is the poor little weasel in love with the Mudblood now?" Draco asked mockingly.

Ron turned redder then any colour Hermione could describe. He looked like he would explode. And that he did.

Ron quickly but clumsily tried to grab hold of Draco's neck to give him the beating of his life but tripped over Harry's shoe and fell to the floor. Both she and Harry were down by his side in an instant.

" Are you okay?" I asked concerned, trying to ignore the laughter coming from Draco and his cronies.

Ron tried to brush it off as if it was nothing but Hermione could tell that he was embarrassed deep inside.

" Nothing's wrong with me. I'm okay. Heh." He said in a shaky singsong voice.

" My gosh Weasley. Not only are you poor but you can't even walk on your own two feet. How pathetic" Draco sneered.

" Shut up!" Harry replied angrily as he helped Ron up to his feet.

" Oooh…what you gonna do Scar face? Fall on the floor as well?" Draco asked sarcastically.

Both Ron and Harry looked like they were going to jump onto Draco any minute now.

" Harry, Ron, he's not worth it" I said," let's go and find another empty compartment."

Harry hesitated for a bit before walking off. Ron glared at me and I glared back. _Didn't he know that I was only trying to prevent him from causing any trouble?_ I thought.

" Whatever" Ron replied.

I felt slightly hurt by his remark. I can hear Draco laugh from behind.

"Looks like lover boy here is pissed off at you Mudblood" he sneers.

Hermione glared at him, " Shut up ferret before I turn you into another ferret right now" she threatened. Draco looks slightly aback and didntt say anything_. Hah. That will show him._

Hermione turned round and headed out of the compartment with Harry and Ron.

" Hey Mudblood?"

Hermione turned round.

" What?" I ask coldly.

" Nice arse" he snickers.

I feel my cheeks burn and I glare at him before shutting the door.

" Herm what was that about?" Harry asks concerned, " Why didn't you just let us beat up Malfoy there?"

" Why?" I shriek, " Why? Because you'd get into trouble that's why!"

"Whoa, chill Herm" Harry replies putting his hand up as if he were surrendering.

Hermione felt angry with him. Why? Because I didn't want to loose my badge. My sweet Head Girl's Badge. I started stroking it. _My preciousss…_

" Um Herm what are you doing?" Ron asks.

Hermione blinked in surprise, " Oh, nothing. Just thinking."

Ron gives me a weird look, " Right"

We walk into the last compartment that we can find and find a man sleeping there.

" It's the last compartment there is" Harry says as if he's reading my mind.

I shrug my shoulders and walk in. I face the man sleeping opposite me. And _oh my gosh, he's so hot!" _I thought to myself. I couldn't help but stare. This guy looked no older than thirty, maybe in his late twenties. He had jet-black hair, which was messy and covered his eyes. His skin was pale and his body was muscular. She noticed that he wasn't wearing his Hogwarts robes yet; instead he was wearing casual black jeans and a black top.

_Damn he's so hot!_ I thought to myself, _I wonder who he is? Gosh I hope Harry and Ron don't know that I'm drooling right now. Damn, gotta wipe the saliva off. I wonder who he is? Obviously a school teacher but which one? He's gotta be the new DADA teacher._

" Hermione?" Harry asks looking concerned, " You're drooling," he states as a matter of fact.

I wipe the drool off. Damn I felt so embarrassed. I got caught staring at a guy by my two best friends! Shit!

" Wonder who he is?" Ron says in a bored tone.

" I'm guessing that he must be the new DADA teacher" I reply. I really can't wait till class starts. That way I can swoon all over him.

Harry looks interested.

" You think so?" he asks, " Hope he teaches us cool stuff like Moody did"

" Yeah" I reply dryly, remembering Moody even though the real Moody was locked in a chest somewhere but still, the fake Moody was a good teacher none the less.

" I wonder who he is?" Harry says excitedly.

I look up and notice a battered looking luggage on the shelf. _It must belong to him_ I thought.

I stood up trying to read the writing. I wanted to know what his name. I wanted to know who this major _hottie_ was. And there it was. It said _Severus Snape._

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There you go folks! Personally I didn't like this introduction to the story. But then again it's MIDNIGHT! I can't think straight! Anyhoo, hope you enjoyed that chapter and I promise you that the next one will be better! Lol. Remember to **review** people!

Ps. Thought the characters were slightly OC. Ah well…


	2. Snape's Pov

A/N: Hola amigos. So glad that you like the story so far. Thanks for the reviews as well! Here's the next chapter. Enjoy!

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Snape's pov.

When I got off the train today I was receiving the weirdest looks from my school pupils. It was a look of _hunger_. Gosh I hope they're not turning into cannibalism. My meat is not tasty! I sometimes wonder why I chose to teach at this school. I could have gone to Drumstag or some random place but no, I had to go to this one. Ah well, I'll annoy those little brats into oblivion.

"Wow professor"

I turned round to see who was saying that. I see a small girl. Perhaps a second year or so.

"What do you want?" I ask grumpily.

She blushed. "You look…good"

Good? Hah. Was she out of her mind? I looked like complete shit thanks to my no good Twinkie, my house elf who I accidentally gave a sock. I vividly remember what she said. _Does master not want Twinkie no more?_ Ah shit what do you say to that? I was left to clean Snape Manor_ yup it's called Snape Manor. Quite dashing don't you think? Teehee_ by myself. And to top it off, my stupid wand broke. So yeah everything had to be done by hand. But cleaning Snape Gardens had to be the worst. I had to lawnmower the grass myself. I can't believe that I resulted to using a Muggle device but when a guys desperate, you'll using anything. Now my favourite part was planting the flowers. Yes I do have a soft part for plants so you better shut up and tell no one! I stood outside in my gardener's kit and planted roses. Gosh, roses are beautiful and if I say so myself, I have a _nicer _garden than Malfoy's.

"Is that all you got to say?" I snapped at her. I'm not in the best of moods.

"Um…"

"What house are you?"

"Ravenclaw"

"Well 30 points of Ravenclaw for harassing a teacher" I say snidely.

"But professor, we haven't even reached school yet!" she exclaimed.

"Another 10 points for talking back"

The girl glared at me and walked away. Now that's something I've noticed recently. Why is everyone glaring at me? I mean, did I do something wrong? As far as I know, I've been quite the little angel. Tsk. So typical of children not to respect their elders. Well, I'll have to punish them for that? Maybe a week in the dungeons for detention?

Heh heh.

I'm so evil.

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First day back into work and I am annoyed. Very annoyed. Some rude Slytherin (yes a Slytherin) asked why I looked, in her words "hotter today". What does she mean by that? I have ALWAYS been HOT. How can any girl resist my sexy hair and my dashing smile? 

Ha. I thought so. None can.

Though, I think this might have to do with a little run in with some witch I met in Brooms Hill Alley (very far away. Infact, not even in the U.K. Tis in Ireland). She wanted me to reach my full charismatic male _potential_. Now what did that idiot mean by that? She gave me some weird looking potion and threatened to Avada Kedavra me if I didn't drink it. Twas an awful moment got scared out of my life. Basically think Hermione Granger (that stupid know it all) but with bigger hair and I mean seriously bigger hair!

Come to think of it, I DO look quite different. But what's the word? More sexy? Nah. More dashing? Nah. More cute? No! I think I might secretly put all poll in the homework I gave out for the third years. How to describe Professor Snape. Hot, gorgeous, extremely fit, sexy, dashing, lovely smile, total macho, better looking that that stupid Potter boy. Ah yes, I'm looking forward marking these homework tomorrow. I wonder what they will say.

If anything could be more disturbing I saw Minerva checking me out. Checking me out! In the great hall! How disturbing can that be? That woman is like seventy years old (I'm only 27. teehee) I've never felt so sick in my life. What is with the female population today? They're all acting….weird.

Ah dammit, I'll just take it off on the sixth years. Ah, here they come.

As usual I see Malfoy enter the dungeons with his goons. No offence to Malfoy but his taste in friends are quick bad. Those two boys are as thick as a rock. Why doesn't he hang out with that Zabini boy? Oh….he's gay. Forgot about that. Might explain why Zabini always checks out my arse when I'm walking._ That little rascal. Teehee._

Miss Granger enters and I see her blush. I wonder why. Did that stupid weasel ask her out yet? That boy has always been an idiot. If I had my way, I would have locked him in a room with a boggart in first year (provided that he didn't know the counter spell towards the boggart) Hah. That will show him!

" Now class" I say. I feel extremely evil today, " tell me, what are the ingredients used to make an animextous potions?"

As usual I see Granger's hand zoom up. Honestly, can she give it one day without answering a bloody question right?

" Animextous is a potion to turn into a type of animal for a certain amount of hours. The ingredients include; hair of the animal you want to change into, Zylopefer leaf, Poisonous Ivy plucked during a full moon, Armagation liquid found from Unicorns and Dragons claws. The brewing should take place during-

" Oh will you shut up Granger. I asked for the ingredients. Not when to brew it! 10 points off Gryffindor"

" Hey that's not fair!" Potter shouted. Gosh sometimes I really feel like murdering that Gryffindor boy.

" Quiet Potter unless you want to serve detention tonight"

Ha. That shut him up but I noticed something really weird. Granger looked hurt. Probably because Weasel didn't defend her. Ah well, not my fault.

I assign them to make the potion for me and as usual my star pupil (not Granger) is doing very well.

" Good job Malfoy. Twenty points for Slytherin for putting the correct ingredients in the right order"

I see Malfoy smirk and all the other Slytherins smile. I notice Gryffindors glaring at me. Can't they just not glare at me for one second?_ I mean, am I that really gorgeous that they can't help but stare at me (hides the stare will a false look of glaring, or so Snape thinks) _

I walk around and notice Longbottom making an utter mess with his potion. Honestly, why does he even bother going to class when he's so pathetic. I'm just surprised that he's a wizard. Only muggles do stupid stuff like that.

I walk past Potty and Weasel's cauldron and to my disgusts, it actually looks quite good. I am overcome with a sudden urge to spike their cauldron._ Heh_ _heh. Maybe when they're not looking._

I walk towards Zabini's cauldron _(gosh that boy gives me the creeps with his roaming eyes…)_ and see him smile at me.

" Hello professor" he purrs.

I eye him with great fear. Horrible images of him raping me comes into my mind. I suddenly feel sick. If he were not a Slytherin I would have decked him a long time ago and made sure that he cleaned all the toilets with his tongue. _Tongue? _I'm suddenly having new images of him and me- with tongue. I suddenly feel like I was seven years old when I was horribly molested by the Easter Bunny. I had never been able to live it down since and being sexually attacked by a male student in my school is not helping me recover.

Suddenly I hear a loud bang from behind.

_Teehee._

" Potter, Weasley, explain yourself!" I shout. _Teehee, my plan went very well._ Both boys are covered with green murky water and a puff of purple smoke is filling the air. Both boys look bewildered.

" I don't understand" Potter says, " We did everything that we were meant to"

" Yeah" Weasel agrees.

" Well looks like you didn't read the ingredients properly now did you?" I say icily. Both boys look annoyed. _Hehe, I'm loving this. _

"30 points of Gryffindor for making a mess of your potion. Now clean this mess up and come after dinner to serve your detention"

Both boys now looks pissed off.

"But but-'" they say.

I stop them by giving them one of my glares. Gosh, it's so nice to be evil.

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Oh _goodie_! I can mark the third year's homework. Immediately I go to: 

"**How to describe Professor Snape". **

Sexy: 60 percent_Wow. Chicks dig me._

Dashing: 2 percent_Hmmm…guess I never was the heroic type._

Total Macho: 13 percent_I'm all MAN baby._

Better looking than that stupid Potter boy: 53 percent_No way. In your face Potter!_

Hot: 59 percent_Man everyone seems to love me all of a sudden….wait…boys don't love me do they?_

Gorgeous: 77 percent _I'm feeling slightly disturbed._

Extremely fit: 20 percent _Wait till they see me with my top off_

Lovely smile: 0 percent_What?_

I'm surprised by the results that I got. However…..I'm slightly scared of the third year boys.

_Gosh don't tell me they're all gay. I don't need another Zabini alike checking out my arse (no matter how great it looks)._

Then I noticed something written down on the sheet below "_Lovely Smile_" it says "_Totally **retarded**_ 100 percent" What? Who did this? Three hundred marks off that person!

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I'm feeling very annoyed. The person who wrote "totally retarded" was a Slytherin boy and now we have zero points. Infact we have something like minus 201 points thanks to that no good idiot boy _(not me. Can NEVER blame oneself)._

I sit on my seat in the Great Hall and start munching on some chicken. I have no strength to eat in an orderly manner anymore. And that's where I spotted her. The woman sitting across the table from me. I knew who she was. She was the new DADA teacher.

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A/N: Hey folks. What did you think of that? Too OC? I'm not too sure what I thought of it myself. I tried not to go all parody on it. Tried to keep it real….but it kinda failed. Your opinions please? 

You cannot resist my Jedi mind tricks. Review I say. REVIEW!


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